My Neurodivergent Brain

In the midst of both horror and relief at this revelation, my question is this: Why have so many doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists failed to see me?

I would never have considered the possibility of even getting tested for ADHD before talking to a friend who mentioned how it can present differently in women. My husband has ADHD and I’ve always thought, well, I don’t have THAT.

But do I get overwhelmed in stores? Am I easily overstimulated? Do I have a startle reflex and aversion to repetitive sounds? Am I reading seven books at once and keeping four different journals? Am I working on 11 projects and ready to start another? Do I try a different meditation practice every day? Can I keep a routine? Do I struggle to balance my checkbook? Do I know where my phone is, like ever? Can I stay still during savasana? Do I need to keep my hands busy? Do I struggle with spreadsheets and forms? Do I have ADDICTIVE TENDENCIES, ANXIETY, AND DEPRESSION??? LOLOL!!

But the questions on the online quiz that made me laugh the hardest: Are you clueless as to how others manage to lead consistent, regular lives? Do you feel like an imposter trying to pass for normal? Why, yes. Why, yes I do. I’ve always felt like a weirdo, but I’m not sure even ADD can explain that.

This week, after the first of two official screenings with local LPC Jennifer Erickson, I began reading Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder by Dr. Gabor Maté. So far I've underlined every sentence in the introduction and chapters one through three. Inability to read a map or follow directions, lack of coordination, impulse shopping, a constant sense of urgency, floods of ideas, inability to assemble appliances (LOL), ability to hyper-focus on areas of passion + obsession…OMG HOLY WOW. It’s like looking in a mirror.

In the midst of both horror and relief at this revelation my question is this: Why have so many doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists failed to see me? Also, how can a single person claim so many different maladies, from alcoholism and drug addiction to love and sex addiction to codependency to fluctuating work ability, anxiety and depression, ETC?? Might they all be different branches off the same big tree?

This morning I wrote to God, why are there so many things wrong with me? And God wrote back. You are not a wrong to be righted, you are not a problem to be solved. The only thing you suffer from is being human. And you are not alone in that.

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Unsolicited advice is criticism,
—ancient Alanon proverb.

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