I Own the Ocean
Everything is always simultaneously too much and not enough and in the end I get exactly what I need.
Last week I was invited by a dear friend to stay at a beach house owned by a family richer than God. I didn’t think I could go for one million reasons but goddess parted the high seas and as I readied myself for adventure I envisioned a king sized bed with billowy curtains overlooking a balcony with an ocean view, where I would stand wearing a silken kimono, long hair blowing sexily in the wind.
What I got was a kid’s room with twin beds in the back of the house with a view of my car in the driveway and salty beach hair that has become frizzy and matted. This gave me a good laugh! Because everything is always simultaneously too much and not enough and in the end I always get exactly what I need. Besides, the house is gorgeous with an entire wall of windows showcasing brilliant swaths of pool, sand, ocean, sky. It is heaven.
Then jealousy strikes like a two-fanged beast. Why do they get all of this? Do they deserve it? Why don’t I? Do I? Disdain follows indignation. Rich people are delusional and spoiled! They have no sense of reality! They probably aren’t even good philanthropists! I laugh at myself again. How fast my small angry self gobbles up the beauty of the world. “They are incredible philanthropists,” my friend mentions out of nowhere and I think oh, well, of course they are.
I let the mean little feelings rise up, pat them on the head, and then let them go. How about we practice some gratitude I suggest gently to myself, and, gaze into the faces in photos on the walls, overcome by the kindness and generosity of strangers.
I remember all the times I have been carried, and how I’ve received so much without always having so much to give in return. Suddenly I’m the helpless little girl with the reduced lunch ticket and thrift store clothing covered in shame, and at the mercy of the charity of others. I place my hand on my heart and say, honey it’s OK. You can accept this abundance. And you are able to give, too. Maybe not beach houses but love and time, thoughtful gifts and blessings, creativity and prayer.
Because these days I am self-supporting and I do stand on my own two feet and it’s no small miracle to afford the groceries and the gas and the time to be here.
I remember that I am not my money or my possessions, that I’m not worth more or less than anybody else, that even rich people are beloved by God which is good because one day I’ll be ridiculously rich too and no one, which means everyone, owns the ocean.
Unsolicited advice is criticism.
—ancient Alanon proverb.
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