Enlightenment School Drop-Out
Or the voice-to-text note on my phone while walking through the woods this morning with most egregious errors edited out.
I am in “compare and despair.” I saw a picture of someone I know on IG looking like their best self living their biggest life somewhere like Sedona and it made me want to blow my brains out. I feel like I’m in the Walmart parking lot carrying ripping plastic bags of plastic crap I’m somehow convinced I want or need.
I feel pain and sadness today. I can’t stop crying this morning. I feel bad about feeling bad. I haven’t wanted to get my sadness all over everybody so I’ve been holding it in. I’m questioning meaning and point. Second-guessing everything.
Am I living my best life as my best self? Where is that life, where is that self? How do we keep missing each other?
Are meds an answer or a spiritual bypass and easy out?
Is it my brain chemistry that’s fucked or— just me?
Child, these are just human feelings. They are not more real or less for you than anyone else on the planet. Humans experience the full range, the wheel turns, and sometimes it just lands here.
Everything feels so exhausting. I’ve been trying so hard. I have to go to the store to buy grape juice and apples for the Passover seder. How am I going to do that? It feels like a Herculean task.
If it’s wrong to eat sugar, I’m eating it. If it’s wrong to spend money, I’m spending it.
What if this is exactly where you’re supposed to be and how you’re supposed to feel right now? What if this misery is in perfect timing for your healing journey?
The dogs and the lake are fucking glorious. The sun is shining on the water through the trees. The dogs look like magnificent beasts. The sun is starting to shine after days and days of gray. Cosmo is jumping in the water for a swim and he looks like a happy little otter. He shakes off as if he’s in flight and Greg watches with his jowls full of slobber and wonder and wobble. Sometimes we die and are born again.
All of the talk of staying above the line of courage on the chart of consciousness makes me crazy. What if I’m fundamentally incapable of staying above the line of courage? How many of us are failures of enlightenment? I’m an enlightenment school dropout! Is it ever OK to just feel shitty and unempowered?
Can I feel unconditional love for myself while shattering apart?
My eyes can’t contain my tears. My chest can’t contain my heart.
I am not a spiritual leader and never would I want to be.
I am a writer, which gives me permission to be everything. I don’t have to cut off part of myself when I write the truth.
I cannot think or meditate or pray or yoga my way out of this. If I listen to one more podcast about positive thinking I’m going postal, man. Thinking we should always be good or healed or better is such a big stinking pile of shit.
All you can do is exist in the fucking moment and try to love yourself a little more while doing it.
Unsolicited advice is criticism,
—ancient Alanon proverb.
Curious about going further with your writing journey? Book a free 20-minute discovery call with me!
“As always, Valley provides an atmosphere of safety to those of us have stories to tell. In my years of writing with her, I have learned to love and forgive myself, the messes I have made and the love I receive with an open heart. Thank you, Valley, who shares herself and teaches us how to be.” —Chaya
Writing to Heal for Therapists
Sat, May 4, 2024
10 AM – 4 PM EST
Valley's Writing Studio, Richmond, VA
$245
In this special one-day workshop, we will learn journaling techniques and prompts especially designed for therapists to promote healing and wholeness for themselves and their clients. Starting with the scientific psychological, emotional, and biological benefits of writing and reframing our narratives, we will explore a range of practices from simple free-writing techniques to identifying our archetypes on the hero's journey.
Life in the First Person: an in-person 6 week series
Wednesdays, May 29 - July 10
(no class June 5)
1-4 PM EST
Valley's Writing Studio, Richmond, VA
$250
Sharing our personal stories in community is a creative act of holy disruption. As we write the unique details of our lives, we discover a universal connection that contradicts our feelings of isolation and separation in a heartbroken and violent world. Through first-draft, expressive writing, we mine our memories, traumas, and dreams to draw out the threads and themes of our deepest stories, the beginnings of our memoirs, essays, poems, novels, and journal entries.
Writing Ritual
Saturday, June 15
10 am - 4 pm EST
Valley's Writing Studio, Richmond, VA
$125
Self-care is an act of holy rebellion. In a hyper-busy world focused on productivity, output, and profit, creating sacred space for ourselves enables us to listen to the quiet voice within. When we are in touch with our intuition, we are in touch with the divine. When we are in touch with the divine, we are able to access inspiration and resources that were not present before.
Join me for an afternoon of ritual and writing, connection, and deep internal exploration. Learn to care for yourself so beautifully that you have the energy and reserves to care for others.
What are Valley’s students saying?
“What a divine, intuitively-led workshop; thank you Valley!” —Kate
“Thank you for such an amazing, well-needed and healing four days. The writing prompts and connection and feedback were all gratefully received, the food was perfect, and the extra activities we did were so much fun!”—Anna
“A safe loving space with insightful reflection and authentic celebration of the unique writer in all of us!” —Erica
“Valley is absolutely wonderful. This was my first experience & the entire experience helped me so much. Very inspiring!” —Susan
“Valley has yet again provided a safe place to write with inspiring and thoughtful feedback. Such a gift she has and shares!” —Marty
“Always the best of hours! I am so grateful for the time given and writing shared and the wonder of this, Valley.” —Mary Jo
“Valley offers sensitive feedback to writers who come to her classes, always positive and supportive, whether you have been writing all your life or are just starting to explore this path to self-knowledge.”—Chaya
Valley Haggard is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
I love you, Valley. You are fresh, sage, and honest!